death doula

Journey Through Life & Death: The Living Will

Hello friends! It’s been a hot minute. I had a family emergency that has been requiring a lot of time and focus lately so my projects had to be set aside for a little while. The unfortunate irony is that my family emergency pretty much had everything to do with this series. The fortunate part is that my family member is doing much better, which makes me so happy but he did give us quite a scare.

So let’s review…. First we gathered our supplies. Second, we filled out our advance directive which consisted of the heath care proxy/durable medical power of attorney form, the living will, and perhaps organ donation information. Now we’re on to our third step which is a more robust version of the living will. As you probably noticed, the living will in the advance directive was rather….basic. It doesn’t really cover much. Remember, the idea of this is to make it so your loved ones have clear, concise directions, instead of wringing their hands and pulling their hair out. Ambiguity is not a nice parting gift.

The first thing that I would suggest is ordering a copy of the Five Wishes ( It’s a legally binding living will, meets HIPAA requirements, is recognized in most states and most states don’t require it to be notarized. Moreover, it covers some emotional and spiritual aspects of dying that the advance directive fails to. Individual copies are $5.00 and once you’re done filling it out you can make copies for your medical team, loved ones, your proxy and your refrigerator folder.

The next thing that I would strongly suggest is going to Cake (, sign up, and create an end of life plan with them. It’s totally free! What’s great about Cake is they ask you in-depth questions that a proxy and loved ones would need to know: from what music you’d like at your funeral to who should care for your pets, etc… This is the kind of detail that I like to see. Plus, once you’re done, you can email your proxy and loved ones a link to your answers on their site. Remember to print out copies as well because the last thing anyone is going to remember is that there is a site called “Cake” that has your wishes on it that you may have sent them years ago. That’s why I like to do a combo of Five Wishes and Cake.

Okay, you have your homework. Now get to it. Remember, if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

death doula

Journey Through Life & Death: Advance Directives

An advance directive is a written statement of a person’s wishes regarding medical treatment, often including a living will, made to ensure those wishes are carried out should the person be unable to communicate them to a doctor.”

— The Oxford Dictionary

I think what intimidates people the most about end of life planning (besides the whole death aspect) is all of the confusing paperwork and language. As your doula through this death journey, it’s my job to make this easier for you. There are many types of advance directives: the health care proxy/durable power of attorney for health care, the living will, Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST), do not resuscitate (DNR) orders and organ and tissue donation forms are all included in this umbrella term. In this post we will cover the health care proxy and the living will. The American Bar Association goes over the difference between these two in the perfect amount of detail.

Basically, the living will component of the Advance Directive covers how you want to be treated in certain medical situations. The health care proxy form (or otherwise known as durable power of attorney for health care) allows you to designate a person to make medical decisions for you in the event you are unable to express your preferences about medical treatment. This could be because you are unconscious or because your mental state is such that you do not have the legal capacity to make your own decisions. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering who you should bless with this rather hefty responsibility and how you might want to strike up a conversation with them about your medical wishes. The Conversation Project has created an amazingly helpful document HERE that covers all of the considerations and legalities involved with your choice. Yes, this is a legal document. No, in most states, you do not have to get it notarized. Please read through this document before you continue on to filling out your own form.

Get your Advance Directive by state here. Once you’re done filling out your form, give a copy to your health care proxy and any other family/friends you deem necessary, give a copy to your health care providers at your next visit, give a copy to your local hospital at your next visit, keep a copy in your 3-ring binder (inside a sheet protector) and also keep a copy in your magnetic file holder that I want you to put on your refrigerator. Why the big fridge magnet, you ask? Well, if an emergency were to occur, all of your essential documents will easily be found by EMS and loved ones. This is especially important for those nearing the end of life who have specific Do Not Resuscitate wishes.

The Advance Directive is not set in stone. You can update it whenever you feel the need. Just shred the old copies and replace them with updated versions. If you’re healthy, I recommend reviewing your end of life care plans annually. However, you may want to do it more frequently if any big life changes occur or if your health status changes.

Do you need help starting a conversation with the person you’d like to be your proxy? Well, I’ve got you covered, here is a step-by-step guide.

Okay, next time we meet up we will cover a more robust version of the living will.

death doula

Journey Through Life & Death: Prep Yourself

Okay party people, let’s do this! So this year I’ve decided to get my act together when it comes to life, specifically the part of life that we all want to avoid…death. I’m hoping that if I get my self situated, my 72 year old mother will follow suit because currently her end of life plan consists of a handwritten letter attached to the fridge that basically just says to not have an estate sale where people comb through her used underwear looking for gems. I fear the day that something happens to her and I have no real guidance whatsoever on what to do. So I’m determined to not to inflict the same torture on my loved ones.

Initially, I had planned to begin this process at the beginning of the year but in order to reach the most people possible, I knew that I’d have to include a YouTube component. Yikes! The idea of uploading an awkward video for all the world to ridicule is daunting but I feel like this work is important enough to get over my ego and insecurities. So the time has come, better late than never I suppose.

This is what I consider to be a death journey and despite the bleak nature of the subject matter, it very much is about life as well. We will start with the basic forms needed that everyone, no matter your age, should have filled out just in case something unfortunate happens tomorrow. Once the most time sensitive documents are dispensed with, we will journey through the disposition of our bodies and then travel back through time from there. Why am I starting at the end, you ask? The last portion of this journey has a life coaching component that meets you where you are today and what a better way to gain some perspective and appreciation for the life you’re living now than to plan for its end.

Suggested Supplies

  • Access to a printer, printer ink & printer paper.
  • A pen.
  • Some way to save your digital files (ex. USB drive or Dropbox).
  • One folder.
  • One 3-ring binder.
  • One magnetic file holder like this one.
  • Sheet protectors like these.
  • Perhaps some art supplies if you like.
  • Maybe some personal photos that you love.
  • In the future you might want to get a small fire-proof safe for your documents.

See, most of this is all stuff you probably already have lying around your house so there is really no excuse for not following along with me (yes, I’m talking to you, MOTHER!). If you don’t have these supplies, don’t sweat it. As long as you have access to a printer, you’re golden.

Now let’s begin…